You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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