So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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