I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
