i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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