I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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