I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Randomize
