I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
