every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
