Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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