Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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