Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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