I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
