You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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