When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
