I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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