I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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