I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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