The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
