My cat gives me a boner
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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