Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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