FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Barsexuality is the new black.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
