Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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