I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
