I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
