life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
