no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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