Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
