There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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