There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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