I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just google imaged poop.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
