Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
