Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Say something about gay babies.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
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