I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
