Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
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we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
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Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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