Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
