I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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