Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
