I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
