Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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