She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
my being single is dangerous.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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