mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
