She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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