So drunk its hurt
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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