Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
