I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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