My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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