Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
a search helicopter?!
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
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