I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
