When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
