I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
