My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
