True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
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just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
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I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?