Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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