I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
