and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize