i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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