you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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