fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
